i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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