Too much gin, very little bucket
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
