I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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