She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
