I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
