he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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