I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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