i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
