allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
