We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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