She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
