I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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