quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
