He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
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All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
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You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
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