the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
