her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
