And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
