he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
we should paint friendship bongs
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