tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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