i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
