well you can't waste a boner
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I love you. Go after that dick
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
