You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
