There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
