wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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