when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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