my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
