In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
