i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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