i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
