i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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