Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
