you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
