If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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