Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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