Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
