moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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