my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
