So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think my vagina is haunted
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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