worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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