The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
