we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
