tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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