i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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