woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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