tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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