We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
