You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
