New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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