Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
