So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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