I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
