in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
