I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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