Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
