I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
