true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
