Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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