Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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