My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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