u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
